Tests on a Tuesday

Today was a big test day.  Amelia sent these pictures from the day.  The day started with an endoscopy and the plan had been to have a colonoscopy if needed.  The endoscopy found that the cancer has originated in her stomach.   It is encroaching on her esophagus, only about a centimeter is open, so she is getting just a drizzle of everything that goes in to her mouth which is what is causing her inability to eat.  Thursday they will put a stint in her esophagus to open it up.  We are hoping this will allow her to eat and maybe even enjoy food again.  So tomorrow we will find out what stage of Stomach Cancer she is in, and when treatment will begin.  She is tired tonight, worn out emotionally and physically.  Tomorrow will bring more information and more direction.  We know she is strong and that God is mindful of her regardless of how long this journey seems.

God of Angel Armies

Mom, here is some Morning Inspiration for the day ahead.

CT Scan Monday

Today was the dreaded CT scan.  The last two of these have been so difficult for Mom since she has to lay down on the table.  Today going to Huntsman for the CT scan was a blessing.

Breanne's texts:
Hunstman Center is nice and very impressive. Mom's weight is 106.  Waiting for nurse. Mom is in good spirits.

Mom is back getting her scan.  They gave her some morphine and a relaxant.  It should only take half an hour.

She is out and it was much better than she expected.

Tonight Bill called with more updates from the CT scan:

Bill called tonight with results from today's tests and Mom asked that I send an email out.

The cancer has spread to her lymph nodes it has reached above the diaphragm and is more advanced than they thought. The good news is it has not reached the lungs yet. The original mass is about 5-6 inches and is in the back of her abdomen pressing against her stomach which is most likely causing her pain and issues with eating.

They are still doing the tests tomorrow.

Amelia is at the house right now. Since Mom has to consume a lot of liquid for the colonoscopy tomorrow they are having White Collar drinking games. Every time they see Matt Bomber Mom has to take a shot of her radioactive liquid.

She is in good spirits as good as can be expected.

 

 

Things we want to remember:

Logan's prayer last night:  Please bless Grandma Ninja Warrior to fight her Evil Cancer.  Through all her challenges help her remember to Be Strong and that she has more strength than she thinks.

 

Elle went to Grandma last night.  Put her fists in the air and said, "Be Strong Grandma!"

Walking in Faith: for the Week ahead

This week is a big week.  It is also a bit scary.  Monday Mom will be going in for another CT scan.  This one will hopefully be easier with some better pain management that has been prescribed.  Tuesday will bring an endoscopy and colonoscopy.  Wednesday she will meet with Dr. Gilcrease to find out the actual diagnosis and treatment options.  We will update the blog as we know more.

 As she gets ready for this week, I keep thinking about how strong she is and how much she has already come through.  This whole thing started in August.  She wasn't feeling well, dizzy and light headed.  The  Dr.  thought it was stress and burnout.  This made since to all of us.  I mean just the fact that she gave birth to 7 children in 10 years and raised those same seven very strong willed, kind of intense kids, would make anyone want to take a five to six year Caribbean vacation.  But that was not all, she cared for her mother for years in her home and nursed her lovingly through the last few weeks of her life.  She has cared for Dad through his diabetes, and all the issues to his health, carried out multiple callings and responsibilities in our church.  She took gifts to neighbors, treats to her primary girls, babysat grand kids, worked at the Library, cared for the yard work and many other numerous things on any given day.  The burnout seemed like a quick fix.  Medicines to help were ineffective and seemed to make things worse.  Several doctors had suggestions but little actual help.  Her health over the past few months has declined.  She has lost weight, because she has been unable to eat or sleep comfortably.  She has been in pain and with no answers coming she kept getting worse and not knowing was even more tortuous.

Then a friend and doctor was inspired to come and visit.  He came and paid attention, showed true concern and then he took action.  Suddenly within a matter of days she was getting tests done.  On January 9, 2014 the news came in.  A mass had been found, in her abdomen by her stomach.  It was most likely cancer, they thought Lymphoma.  We felt nervous, but glad too, to finally understand what was happening, why she had been so sick.

Another CT scan with biopsy was ordered.  When we arrived at the clinic for the procedure she was so worried.  The previous CT scan had been difficult and painful for her.  Arriving we found out there was no pain management prescribed.  While she went to the lab, Dad and I ran upstairs to talk to the Doctor.   It was her day off.  The on-call physician could not prescribe a narcotic.  Dad and I were trying to figure out what to do.  They mentioned rescheduling, that didn't seem like an option.  It had taken so much to get her there already. 

We went back.  Dad encouraged her to stay strong, that she could do this.  I stood in the  hall talking to Samuel on the phone.  I heard someone say, "Hi, Dr. Whitten"  it was Mom's doctor.  I ran after her.  I think she thought I was crazy.  I was a little.  This was my Mom.  I explained the situation.  Dad came out and even though it was her day off, even though she was on her way out, she took ten extra minutes ran up to her office and got Mom a prescription. 

This may seem like a little thing.  But to all of us this day it was a tender mercy.  It was clearly God showing forth His hand and His love.  Mom, was the one who had seen her.  She was turned in just the right direction, was looking up at that exact moment.  Dr. Whitten was two floors down from her office, on her day off, just happened to be walking down that hallway, at the same time I was standing in it, at the exact moment when we needed something.  Tender mercies are everywhere.  God is mindful of our sweet mother. 

Since that day, the prognosis has not been easy to hear.  A mass around her aorta, along with the one in her abdomen, Adenocarcinoma has metastasized through her body.  This week we find out the details.  We learn what can be done.  She is walking into the darkness, putting one foot in front of the other with faith.  We don't know where this journey is leading, but we see the Hand of the Lord.  The tender mercies of comfort and care.  So we walk in faith.  We proceed with our hand placed in a loving Father's.   We trust that comfort and healing will come through a loving Savior who is the Great Physician.  We walk in faith.  The journey is starting.  She is scared.  We are scared, but God is mindful and we walk in Faith. 

I HATE CANCER!

I had planned on a different post today, so many thoughts have been bombarding me lately. I want to say things that will help all of us get through.  I want to provide strength. But the truth is, I have talked to friends and told them about Mom and not even shed a tear.  Not because I am not sad or torn up about it, but more because it feels almost too large to process with someone who doesn't fully understand the impact, or who she really is.  Overall I have been in a state of calm over the past week.  I have shed tears, plenty of them, but I don't think I have been ready to deal with the full impact of grief that has been lingering on the surface of my very mortal sphere.

I call Mom almost everyday at the same time.  It is my morning check in.  I drop the kids off at school and then I call Mom.  I tell myself it is for her, but it is really for me.  I need to make sure she is okay.  I need to hear her voice.  I need to have this very temporal connection with her everyday, because I need her in my life.  Not being there with her in these moments, has been so painful. Even in her weekend state, just to hear her voice makes me feel stronger. 

Today on our morning call, I caught her in the middle of a session of throwing up.  Now if I was in the middle of a barf session I would not pick up a phone call, but she picked up , I think in part so I wouldn't worry.  Her voice was ragged and she told me what was happening and that we could talk later.  I have seen her throw up, from this wretched disease raging war inside her, and I hate seeing her in pain, but somehow today hearing her weakened voice, pricked the edge of the bubble I have been holding everything together with and I fell apart.  Anger not at God, but at this horrible disease, this vial cancer growing inside of her.  I have sat in my car for over half an hour, crying so hard that I felt my insides my come out.  "THIS IS NOT FAIR!" was my repeated cry to Father in Heaven.  I know all the quotes about having faith, and that if it was fair it wouldn't be a trial and I believe them, but the reality of this situation is that I am mad too.  Mad that my Mom, who is so good is having to face this.  I am mad, that after everything she has already fought through in her life, this is stripping her of dignity and the ability to do what she wants. 

I hate seeing her in pain.  I hate hearing her cry because of everything this has done to her small body.  I hate everything about this.  I hate that when she is having a hard day, I can't be the one to be there with her, to comfort her, as she has done so many times throughout my life. 

I know there are stages of grief.  Today I am in the anger stage.  If her cancer was something I could physically do damage to and defeat, I would go to battle.  I would fight till I was completely worn out, to eradicate this horrible thing from hers and our lives.  I know our motto is Be Strong and to trust God.  I do trust God, but today I am  filled with anger for this situation.  I love Mom so much.  She has been our center spoke for so long, making everything turn in its proper order. 

I have this picture of her.  I have had it for years.  It is my favorite photo, in fact Logan said "That is a really old picture of you Mom."  To which I could only feel complemented.  To be compared to my mother in any way is an incredible honor.  Even in the face of this horrible battle she remains the best woman I know.  Good to her very core, strong and committed.  She is my strength today, even in her weakened state.  But today I want to scream to the world "I HATE CANCER!" and that none of us are going down without a fight.  We love her too much.  She is too needed here.  Tomorrow I will try and be strong and at peace.  Today I want to punch cancer in the face and go to war and let it forcibly know that it does not get to take her yet.  We need her too much in our lives.   I wish this was something I could actually control, but I know in reality that it is like me trying to make the sun rise or not rise, it is completly out of my control.

 

Maybe that is part of the difficulty, that this is all out of our control. I know God is in control.  I know He loves us.  I know Mom would tell me to have faith, to be strong.   Today however I want to be angry.  I HATE CANCER! 

News

Janurary 9, 2014 will be a day that I remember for a long time. I was at home and Amelia called me. I was about to go with Brynn to clean the Salt Lake Temple. She said they got the results back from the CT scan. They found a mass in Mom's abdomen that was 6 cm x 14cm.  The doctor felt that due to location and size that it could be Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. A type of cancer that is very treatable and can be cured.
Brynn and I canceled our trip to go clean and went up the Centerville. Breanne was there and talk to Bill Dunson, an Internalist  up at the U Medical Center. He talked to Mom about the next steps and that it is something she can fight. I was up there Friday, and Saturday as well to give moral support. Emily flew in and was there to help Mom as she would be going in for a biopsy for the tumor on Monday January 13.
I felt calm, but still a bit hard to handle that your mom has cancer. Brynn was a great help and support. One of my best friends is a Anesthesiologist, but studied Oncology up at the Huntsman for four years while doing his undergrad at BYU-Idaho. Konrad was great to talk to and to gain information from. He was very patient and realized that it is a long hard experience. He has continued to text or call and ask home she is doing and how I am doing.
I felt calm and that my mom and the family could get through this.  I was at work on January 17 when I received a phone call from my sister Amelia. She had just got off the phone with my mom who had just talked with Dr. Witten. Her pathology report had just come back from the tumor they had discovered on January 7, 2014. The cancer is not curable, it is treatable though.
We were having a birthday surprise party for my brother Nathan at our house. Breanne asked if we were still having it. I said yes, we need to keep on with our lives. I felt that is what Mom would want us to do. The party was great. Nathan was thoroughly surprised. After everyone left I lost it. I don't think Brynn has seen me that emotional. My heart ached for my Mom. I went up Saturday and mom was able to sleep. I talked with my Dad and I could tell he was having a hard time, but had a positive outlook. He doesn't want to lose his best friend, his partner, but he understands the Master's plan.
I watched some Scarecrow and Mrs. King with mom and did some errands for her. It felt like when I was little, at home with Mom during the day.
The last week I have been thinking of all the times I spent with Mom, and realized that I still have a lot more time I will get to spend with her. It is still scary to think about, but living in the moment and having the faith that all will work out has helped.
I have seen a lot of strong people in my days. I have never seen someone so small have so much courage and determination to fight! My mom is an inspiration to me. She always has been, but this has been a reminder of her faith and hope. She is unwavering in her belief that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He is a God of miracles.

A River of Peace

There will always be moments that catch us completely off guard.  Moments where suddenly we are swept away into a tumultuous torrent, carrying us into a great unknown.  We seem to spin in so many directions, so many emotions vying for attention.  For me that was two weeks ago.  Sitting on my bed with Logan, watching a show.  The world felt calm, and unaltered.  The phone call relaying the message of Mom's long awaited diagnosis, sent me spinning, my heart felt as if it had been shattered into a million pieces.  All I could think was, "I can't loose my Mom."  The tears came so fiercely I could hardly breathe and in an instant, I sat helpless as my little boy, hugged me and patted my back telling me not to cry.   After a few minutes I started calling, David, talking to loved ones, figuring out how to make this come into some sort of sense.  Logan had left the room, when he came in with tears in his eyes he said, "Mommy it will be okay.  I went and prayed.  Jesus will make it okay.  He loves us and Grandma."

Such a simple moment, a simple faith.  Peace was pushing against my heart trying to cover me with hope.  Then it was a rushed trip to Utah, watching Mom deal with the pain, wishing I could take this on myself.  My heart was hurting.  I drove to Breanne's one snowy night, with no radio in the car the silence pierced me and tears came unhindered.  Driving down the streets of my youth, so many memories flooding to mind.  So many things of no eternal importance and so many things that mattered.  Driving past my children's pediatricians office and remembering how Mom went with me to check it out in all my pregnant glory, how she went to my first Dr's appointment with Ethan to help me carry the car seat.  Driving past the mortuary where Grandma had been and the moments of care and love our Mom offered so freely through Grandma's life.  The dam of emotion broke and I felt my heart may burst with pain.

Then on Sunday as we sat in the family room, Samuel and Thomas gave Mom a Priesthood blessing.  I sat praying that the words would be of healing, promises of hope of recovery.  The three things that stood out were tender mercies. 

She would have help and strength from both sides of the veil (I felt Grandma's presence fill the room.)
Her position is secure on the other side.

As the Savior was in the Garden of Gethsemane He had to submit to the will of the Father, we too must follow that pattern and learn to submit.


Suddenly there was a River of Peace that flooded my heart.  Father is in control and we can trust in his loving care.  I am not good at submitting, I want to take a plan to the Lord and have faith He can make that happen.  For the first time I realized all I can do is to trust.  Trust Father, trust in His loving care of this woman who means so much to me, to all of us.

As the news has gotten worse.  As the prognosis seems bleak, I have had two congruent emotions a River of Peace flowing through me, of the promise of God's love and my temporal thoughts of heart break.  I give in to the heart break from time to time, allowing my heart to hurt and yet the peace remains a balm of comfort.

Two of my favorite songs are right by one another in the Hymn book. 
Be Still my Soul and How Gentle God's Commands.  The songs have been running through my mind constantly.

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side; With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide;  In every change he faithful will remain. Be still my soul; Thy best, thy heavenly  Friend Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.  How gentle God's commands!  How kind his precepts are! Come cast your burdens on the Lord and trust his constant care.

And finally my favorite scripture. BE strong and of a good courage be not afraid.  Neither be though dismayed. For the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever though goest."  Joshua 1:9

This peace is from Heaven.  Our strength can be found in the Loving arms of our Father in Heaven and as Logan said, "Jesus will make it okay, and he love Grandma so very much."