One Month

One month ago today, my Mom went home.  She left this earthly life and journeyed into the open arms of loved ones waiting for her.  She had completed all that God had sent her to do, and so she moved on to her next assignment. 

To those of us still working out our salvation here in this earthly sphere  this month has seemed like a year and also as quick as blinking.  In that month there has not been one day, that I haven't thought of her.  There hasn't been one day that I haven't cried for the void I feel in my heart and in my life.  It is a strange thing these anniversaries.  When I think that she did it.  She succeeded at this life and made it through, I smile for her grand success.  She has graduated in away, and she graduated with heavenly honors.  For that I feel joy.  Yet, I miss her so much that it hurts in my very soul. 

It is the quiet moments like when I was walking the trails by my house on the way to pick the kids up from  school and I thought "I had so wanted Mom to see this place where I live.  To walk the trails with me."  Or when without thinking last week, I had something to share with her and I dialed her speed dial number before I had even realized what I had done.  I had to listen to her voice.  Needed to hear something that was tangible of her.  I wanted with everything to leave her a message, share my thoughts and have her call me back. ( I didn't just in case my Dad checked her messages I didn't want him to think I was completely crazy.)

But it is the small things that drive the hardest hit, because she was saturated in the details of our lives.  So today on this anniversary, all I can say is that I love my Mom and miss her terribly, and that I am so proud of the woman she is and the life she has lived.

Alisa's Thoughts & The Grandma Quilt

My sister Alisa is one of those women who has a beautiful, strong, and fierce fully, graceful presence.  She is creative and conveys her thoughts and emotions through the things she creates.  She arranged the flowers for Mom's casket and other flowers displayed during the funeral.  She embroidered handkerchief's for our entire family with the word's "I love you" in my Mom's handwriting.  Recently she entered a writing contest on the topic of quilting and I wanted (with permission) to share her entry here.  She has a strong and powerful voice to match her creativity and I feel blessed to be able to share her words below.

I have always wanted to be able to create things that are beautiful and useful.  Growing up I learned to embroider and crochet, and enjoyed making projects for myself and others.  After I was married, my husband's grandmother took me under her wing and taught me how to quilt.  I loved the quiet contemplation and peace it afforded me.  I love to make quilts, big and small.  I have made them for friends and family, big enough for a queen sized bed and small enough for a doll.  It has always been fun and relaxing, but recently it became more to me than that. 

 About two months ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  She was going to have to go through the difficulty of chemotherapy, and I wanted her to have something that she could take with her to symbolize the love and support of her seven children and eleven grandchildren.  I turned to quilting.  I had all of my siblings send me hand prints of their kids, and I embroidered them on the quilt in their favorite colors.  The quilt had the name of each child and grandchild and in the middle was emblazoned our family motto during this difficult time, "Be Strong."  This quilt was able to keep her warm and as comfortable as was possible during her first round of chemo.  That would be its only trip with my mom to chemo.  Devastatingly, she passed away only a few short weeks after the quilt was completed. 

Before she died, she stated very clearly that she wanted the quilt left in her home for any of her grandchildren who visited to wrap up in and know that it was a 'hug from grandma'.  Her chemo quilt has become the Grandma quilt, and was used often in those first few days after she left us.  Quilting gave me the comfort of being useful and productive when there was nothing I could do to help my mom.  In turn, it gave my mom a way to leave a token of her love behind with us when she passed.

Happy Birthday Mom!

So today is Mom's birthday.  My heart has been a bit heavy today, well for the past week.  I feel like our world has been turned upside down.  I caught myself calling my Mom this week when I felt frustrated about something.  Without realizng it I heard the phone ringing, thinking she would answer any moment.  Her voicemail message came on and all I could do was cry.  I miss her.  I miss her voice.  I missed calling her today to sing Happy Birthday with my children.  She would have been 63 today.  I miss that I would usually go get her when I was in Utah, take her to lunch or make lunch at my house.  I miss that I can't see her or hear her.  I just miss her.  But as I went for my morning walk with a dear friend, and the sun shone on my face, I thought she would have loved this day.  The clear blue skies, the sunshine, her flowers peeking through the soil, and she would have loved her birthday today.  So a very Happy Birthday to my beautiful mother, who is celebrating with her Mom today.  I hope they have had a beautiful day enjoying time together and maybe a bit of sunshine.

 

 

To all of those who still want to follow our blog, we will be updating with the talks and pictures from her Funeral in the next few days.

Obituary and Viewing/Funeral Information

The following is  Mom's obituary.  Funeral and viewing information is included. 
If you want to look at the link on the Russon Brothers Website go here:
http://www.russonmortuary.com/sitemaker/sites/RUSSON1/obit.cgi?user=1260047Grover
Thank you for the amazing outpouring of love we have felt from so many.  We feel the strength of your love and prayers. 

Life Legacy

Charlotta Elaine Cook Grover passed away on February 27, 2014, in the comfort of her home. She was born March 13, 1951, in Jacksonville, Illinois, to Charles Byron Lewis and Lora Florence Cook. She graduated from Brigham Young University in 1973 with a degree in Elementary Education. She married Thomas David Grover in the Ogden Utah Temple on August 30, 1973. Dedicated to her faith in God, she served those around her faithfully and with loving kindness and concern. With a background in education, her children remember fondly the many long hours she spent helping them with math homework, book reports, class presentations, science projects, and a host of other assignments.

She was happiest when surrounded by her family and friends. Known to her grandchildren as Grandma Charlotta, she would often take everyday moments to teach valuable life lessons. Her grandchildren loved her for her kindness and generosity, and always enjoyed choosing a treat from the “grandma box” when they visited.

Charlotta was an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Her faith in Jesus Christ defined her life. Whatever she was asked to do in the wards and stakes in which she lived, she did with all her heart and might. She cared greatly about those she served and would find ways to bless their lives on a regular basis. Before and even after the advent of the Internet, she maintained a vast gospel library in her home and was able to recall from memory quotes, talks and insights that stretched back decades.

Charlotta was also an active participant in the community. She often participated in local issues by handing out fliers and advocating for those causes she believed in. She believed that people should care about what goes on around them, and take an active role in promoting those values and ideals that lead to good communities.

She is survived by her husband, Tom; seven children: Emily (David McAllister); Alisa (Dan Simpson); Amelia; Thomas (Erin); Breanne; Nathan; Samuel (Brynn); and 11 grandchildren: Ethan, Grace and Logan McAllister; Cora, Hyrum, Rebecca, Elisabeth and William Simpson; and Jacob, Ellenor and Charlotte Grover. Viewing and funeral services will be held at the Centerville North Stake Center, 1461 North Main Street, Centerville, UT. Viewing times will be Thursday, March 6, from 6 to 8 pm, and Friday, March 7, from 9:45 to 10:45 am. Funeral services will be held Friday, March 7, at 11 am. In lieu of flowers, the Charlotta Grover Memorial Account has been set up at America First Credit Union to assist with medical

Charlotta Elaine Cook Grover March 13, 1951-February 27, 2014

Our Mom passed away yesterday afternoon at 3:30 pm.  She was at peace and surrounded by loved ones.  As much as our hearts are heavy, we feel buoyed up by her strength and love.  As in life she is sweetly navigating us through this experience, except now from the other side of the veil.  She was so at peace with her decision to forgo treatment and as with everything in her life, once she was sure of God's direction, she completely followed the course.  We are in the process of planning as a family and will update the blog with information regarding her funeral.

Family Time

This week Mom has had lots of visitors and family surrounding her.  She is so dearly loved and we want to spend as much time with her as possible. 

Grandpa, Elle and Jacob

This is "Aunt Debbie" with Mom.  They are really cousins,
but we love Debbie dearly and call her our Aunt.  It was
a blessing for her to be able to come and visit from
Arizona.

This is the photo wall that Brynn and Breanne put together so
Mom can look at her family whenever she wants.

Breanne giving Mom a neck rub.

Brynn with Charlotte



I love my Mom's beautiful face. 

My kids skyped with Grandma this morning and she is getting more and more tired.  I realized this might be the last
time they are able to hear her respond.  It is a difficult place to be, so far away wishing we could spend every moment with my Mom, and yet the last few days I have been wrapped in a bubble of spiritual peace.  I know the Lord is granting me peace as we watch, wait and pray for her comfort. We love you Mom!

Little Acts of Kindess and their Mighty Force of Strength

On this rocky path we are walking there  have been so many beautiful bursts of sunshine and flowers placed in our lives from others acts of kindness and service.  My Mom's room is full of flowers.  Lovely flowers and cards came from her co-workers yesterday and in typical Mom form she seemed surprised that she had made an impact.  She is truly humble and I don't think she realizes the impact for good she has on those around her.  In her mind it is simply doing what she should or what is right.

My brother's friends have come to visit and tell "Mom Grover" they love her.  My sister received a room full of balloons from her friends.  So many people have sent flowers and cards.  Her ward members sent a basket of cards that touched her heart more than words can express.  Meals have been brought.  Messages of prayers and love have been sent to each of us and to her.  We are very private people as a whole and tend to be a bit independent.  I finally decided to post what is going in our lives  on Face Book to let those who love her know what was happening.  I have been overwhelmed with the response of love and support. 

My college roommate Erin Timothy Botz sent me a private message, that touched my mother greatly.  She said, she had to do something after reading my message and so went to donate blood in my Mom's honor.  My Mom had a blood transfusion last week and so that simple act brought tears to mine and Mom's eyes.  There is so much goodness in the world.  So many people who listen to that small voice inside and then act on what they know to be a good deed.

I stayed in Utah last week while my family drove home.  I placed one phone call and sent out three texts to coordinate the next school day so David could go to work.  Within minutes I had carpool covered, places for my children to stay, a ride home from the airport and a hot meal for my family that night.  The power of good deed and good people is overwhelming

There have been so many things.  Employers who have been so generous and kind to my siblings.  Visits, bags of treats delivered and wrapped in love, letters, hugs and people willing to cry with us.

I am learning that there are so many people who truly know how to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  For all of your efforts know that your simple acts of kindness have brought forth a mighty force of love and strength.

Crossing the Gulf of Grief

I awoke this morning to find myself marooned in a gulf of grief.  A week ago I woke up and went to be with my Mom.  What a great honor I had last week, to be in the presence of my mother, to be able to serve her. To comfort her when she was in pain and to spend time with her through her greatest struggle.  Every minute was a blessing and I was fully engaged even though my sleep was so diminished.  The spiritual strength I felt propelled me through my days and I felt energized.

The thing about this journey we are all on, is that the emotions are so big and the heartbreak so deep it is much like being in the ocean.  The waves can pull you to areas you do not wish to venture and right now I don't have the strength to swim to a patch of faith.  Today I am sad, beyond sad, I am heart broken.  Grief continues to wash over me and today I believe I need to allow that to be where I am. 

I am learning to allow myself tears, pain, heartbreak to let myself feel it in its entirety and then to put it in its proper place.  My beautiful Mom is dying and it is going to change all of our lives.  My heart will never be the same again.  I know from past loss in my life that the raw edges of my grief will heal with time, but the ache of loosing this center part of my life will never leave me.  I think a part of my soul will always grieve this loss.

There is a double edged sword from having someone so influential for good in your life.  You have the benefit of having this greatness mold you, form you into who you are.  They are a part of so many every day moments that you often don't even realize the impact until you are faced with the loss.  I have been so blessed to have my Mom infused into the details of my everyday life for so many years.  I have spent so much time with her, just doing simple everyday things.  We have a real mother and daughter relationship.  I know I have frustrated her and annoyed her.  I know we have not always agreed on everything, I know this is normal.  But she has always been in the details.  I have not gone more than a few days of my life without talking to her. 

So the other side of that sword then falls.  I went to the Library with Logan yesterday.  My Mom worked at the Library, it was her dream job, she loved it.  She loved having the kids come to the Library to show them off, and she made her mark in that place.  The thing is this was not her library, I was walking into my library in Colorado.  Still since I have moved here going to the library has always made me think of her.  I can imagine her being there and I always smile and usually call her when I get out to tell her I miss her.  Yesterday, it was all I could do to not fall into a crumpled mess on the floor.  I was biting back tears the entire time.   I talked to her yesterday on Skype and I could have just watched her face forever, listened to her voice.  In the hospital I held her hand as much as I could.  Tried to memorize what it looked like and felt like.  Because the reality is, all though I know fully that she will be at peace, that I will see her again someday and that she will be with me, I won't be able to touch her.  I won't be able to call her and hear her reply when I have a triumph or a bad day. 

I have great faith in her destination.  I know God is mindful of her and of each of us.  I know He loves us deeply.  I know all of this is part of the plan.  But no matter how old you are you need your mother and my heartbreaks to be loosing mine. 

She has been so worried about all of us, about her grandchildren and their deep emotional reactions.  I keep telling her, that it is really a tribute to her life and influence.  Because of her greatness we are feeling great loss.  Today I am in a Gulf of Grief, I will find the strength to swim to the patch of Faith, because that is what she would do.  That is what she always does.  But for this moment I am going to cry.

Huntsman and the Next Steps of the Journey

To say that the last week has felt like a year would be an understatement.  This time last week Mom went into the doctor.  She hadn't been able to eat or keep food down.  She was weak.  They decided they would do a permanent feeding tube.  My family was traveling to Utah from Colorado and I was receiving updates along the journey.  After receiving her feeding tube she needed a blood transfusion.  Her red blood cell count was low.  Her white blood cell count was also low, like zero low.  We were concerned.  David had felt in December that we should make a trip out over Presidents Day.  I will forever be so grateful he listened to the spirit and we were able to be with my Mom. 

 

I arrived at the hospital on Saturday morning, she was tired and sore from the incision point for her feeding tube.  One tube was put into her intestines and the other was a drain tube into a bag to help relieve pressure in her stomach and bile.

 

The last seven months have taken a toll on her tiny body.  Cancer is an evil and vicious beast and she has been fighting so diligently.  She had a fever.  The white blood cell count was low.  It seemed like nothing was going well.  Her legs are swollen from retaining fluids and her mobility has been so greatly limited because of pain. 

 

We stayed at Huntsman until Tuesday afternoon.  It is a lovely facility with amazing and caring doctors, nurses and aids. 

 

On Sunday, her counts weren't looking good, she started the tube feed and her body wasn't tolerating it very well.  They also believe she has a rare enzyme that was not allowing her body to tolerate the FauxFox Chemo treatment. This treatment was her best option for dealing with her Esophageal Cancer.  She was discouraged and trying to fight what seemed like an uphill battle.

 

That night all night long she grappled with the decisions she would have to make.  She talked to the Lord and it was a very holy and spiritual place that night as she worked through what to do.

In the early morning hours she had me call the family together.  She informed my Dad first and then each of us that she felt it was time to forgo further treatment and to be placed on Hospice Care.  She was at peace and she had a spirit of forceful grace over this decision. 

 

For our family it was a day filled with heart break and peace.  The dichotomy of these feelings is so interesting.  To know that this was the right course and yet to hate the decision in the same moment.

 

She as always is strong in her faith.  Once she received confirmation from the Lord she was fiercely determined in the direction to proceed. 

She told us, "I know we had hoped for a Miracle, but this was not what the Lord wanted."  My father answered with, "The Miracle is you.  We have been able to have you in our lives, she has influenced everyone of us so deeply."  The miracle truly is her. 

 

She arrived home on Wednesday.  She was nervous.  She told me.  "I am at peace and confident in my destination, just nervous for the journey ahead."  We know all things will come together for good.  There have been so many tender mercies a long this journey.  We are continuing to see the Hand of the Lord.  They have been able to arrange for the Hospice Care nurse to be Kathy who helped with my Grandmother when she was on hospice.  Breanne has been able to take extended work off to assist her in her care.

 

As always my beautiful mother is finding reasons to smile, this one as she sits in the sunshine.  She gave me some beautiful advice sitting in the hospital.  She told me she wants me to enjoy every bite of food, every moment.  To not get so hung up on things that I don't enjoy living.

The Journey has begun, it is in a different direction than we have hoped.  Our hearts are breaking.  Our children are sad.  When Jacob found out he ran downstairs and hid under his blankets.  I could totally understand, I wish I could hide away, make this not be happening.  Ethan stood in the hallway of the hospital crying in my Dad's arms.  He said, "It isn't fair she is the most selfless person, and she is always so kind to me and to everyone." 

My niece Cora captured our thoughts so well.  Alisa relayed this to all of us.  "When I tucked Cora into bed she had gotten into her bank and had all her money out.  She said she wanted to give it to
Grandma because Grandma has given her so much and she wanted to give her something but didn't know what to give."

I keep thinking of the words in the song,  "Be Still My Soul." 

 Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
 
 Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
 
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
 
To all of our dear friends, to the angels of mercy who are continually blessing our lives, to all those who have been praying and wishing for good.  Thank you!  We feel your love, your strength and that power of those prayers.  God is watching over us, and over our beautiful and sweet mother.  Our prayers may have changed to one of peace not healing, but our faith and her faith is ever the same.  God is good!
 

Monday Mom Update

It seems like these days end up feeling almost long a month.  Mom has struggled following Chemo last week.  She had difficulty keeping anything down and was throwing up quite a bit.  Her anti-nausea medicines have been helpful and she has been trying to eat. She also received some IV fluids last Friday. The family in Utah are amazing and have been with her night and day helping her through this time.  She has developed some bed sores from sitting too much and her leg has been swollen as well.  They have done an ultra sound to make sure she doesn't have clots and think it might just be from not elevating her legs. 

Her back has hurt for months, most likely from one of the tumors, and it has been more comfortable for her to sleep in her chair.  But this has caused other issues as well.  Alisa said the most beautiful and strong thing to Mom last week she said, "You are going to have to fight as much as you can and then we will pull or push you the rest of the way."  She is fighting, but so are each of us to help get her the rest of the way.

Progressively though over the weekend she has shown some improvement.  I received a text on Saturday that she had eaten 5 bites of food.  We had a little party here in Denver.  Small steps are cause for celebration.  Today she has done even better.  I received a text that she had eaten 10 bites of ground spaghetti and it had tasted good (because of the stint she had to have it ground up).  This was another tender mercy.  She rode in the car for two drives today and even was able to lay down on the couch for a few minutes tonight. 

She continues to feel discouraged, I mean who can blame her.  So many things seem to keep going wrong, but she told me today that yesterday she was feeling discouraged and she prayed that she would be able to make it through this.  She had a dream that she was able to walk upstairs, and do dishes and other things in the kitchen. She felt like that was Father in Heaven letting her know things will improve. 

Throughout the last few weeks I have really reflected about what matters most.  So many of the things I worry about on a daily basis, matter so little when you are face to face with mortality.  When I heard Mom talk about her dream and the tender mercy it was for her, I thought how much I take for granted, like that a cookie tastes good to me.  That I can get up on my own and walk into my kitchen to work.  That my body is my own and not inhabited by Cancer.  I am learning so much from watching my Mom navigate this treacherous storm, I wish she did not have to cross through these tumultuous waters and yet I am in constant awe of her ability to do it gracefully. 

Kindess

Breanne sent this to me today.  It came from one of ther friends and it is a beautiful reminder.

Our Family

This is a personal thanks I am sending out on a very cold Colorado night.  I am here, wishing I could be in Utah.  Wishing I could help and yet my heart is so full as I think about the amazing family I am so blessed to be a part of.   We had a conference call last night with all of my sisters and brothers.  Every detail is discussed on these calls.  Everyone is taking a day or a night to be with Mom and Dad.  Everyone is taking off work or rearranging schedules.  I am so thankful for all the employers who are being so supportive and genuinely kind in allowing us to care for our mother.  But it isn't just our siblings it is the support from our spouses that is truly amazing as well.  Thomas & Erin have been visiting on Sundays.  Brynn is with Mom right now, Dan went to work at 4:00 am so he could be home so Alisa could be with Mom this afternoon. This is just this week.   David has continued to make sure that if I need to leave he pulls things together.  Are family rallies, it is what we do.  But I am in constant awe of my brothers, sisters and our sister and brother in laws.  They rise to meet every challenge.  They are a force of good in the world and I am so thankful for all of you.  May you all be blessed tonight and thank you for all you are doing.

A Hard Day

Chemotherapy has been really rough on Mom yesterday and today.  She has had a difficult time eating and keeping anything down.  Part of this is the Chemo and part is probably the giant tumor in her stomach.  It seems at every turn this just keeps getting harder.  She commented, "Why can't any of this be easy?"  We had some discussions today about the possibility of a feeding tube, but Dad decided to talk with Bill Dunsen (Friend, Doctor, our Hero) he suggested being vigilant with the anti-nausea medicines and doubling up on two of them.  If it still continues to be difficult for her to get nutrition they will go the IV route first.  Mom is fighting, but she is tired and this is so difficult.

Dad helping Mom walk into the house after Chemo

Mom, trying to get comfortable after her 1st round of chemo.

 

1st Round of Chemotherapy

The Ward "Heart Attacked" Mom and Dad's house to send their love.

This was during the Pre-Chemo kick off party last night. 
I love my Mom!

Alisa made this Chemo quilt for Mom.  It has all of our names on it
and the kids hand prints embroidered on it.  So she remembers we
are with her.

The view from Chemo stations at the Huntsman Center.

Mom hooked up and ready to go. 
Today  her Cancer is going to get a good kick
from Chemo.

Mom Memories for a Chemo Morning

For Mom's Chemo Days we thought we would post some of our favorite memories with Mom so she can read them during the day.
Our first installment of memories are from Alisa and Amelia.

Alisa: One of my favorite memories of Mom was when she would read to us.  I loved the stories from the Friend Magazine.  She has such a great voice for reading out loud.  She would sit on the floor and we would sit by her and on the couch above her.  I loved listening to Mom read to me. (Picture seven little kids positioning to see the stories, she read to us all the time)

Amelia: I remember how mom would make our birthdays so special with it automatically becoming our special day and I just remember how special I felt on my birthday. I also remember special days. we would get the bear on our plate at meals and we would get to say the prayers at meals and go places with her. I loved my special day.

Yesterday as I was driving her home from getting her port I asked if she wanted to listen to oldies on the radio. I remember knowing all the oldies songs because that is what we listened to when we were in the car. I love listening to the oldies still to this day.

 I remember her teaching us how to play jacks. She was so good and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time of how to do as well as her. I don't think I've figured it out yet.

 I remember how excited she would get about BYU games and it was fun to see her so excited about it. She is a true BYU fan and even though I like BYU I feel she has passed her excitement on to me. I get excited when they do well and sad when they don't do well.

 So last year mom and I went to the mall shopping and she talked me into getting my favorite perfume. It's usually me that talks her into stuff but she seemed to do it to me that day and I've never regretted it.
I remember having so much fun dressing up in her clothes and feeling so pretty with them on. I went to the Temple a few times with her and I loved it. I remember flannel board stories. She had a flannel board story for everything. I loved it!!

I love how mom continually was teaching all of us the gospel in our every day lives. She didn't even let us say shut up or anything neg. growing up.

I had the chance to travel to Arizona with mom. It was her first plane ride which was awesome for me even though I know she didn't like it very much. It was fun to travel with her and I wish we could have done it more. It was fun to spend a week with her in Arizona and see her face as she saw things for the first time.  

 She is such a great mother, friend and person that anyone that has met her loves her and feels her love for them. She has such a strong testimony that radiates from her.

 I have one more memory. Every time I went to see her at the Library she wanted us to meet everyone she works with. She is so proud of all of us. I know sometimes we don't think we are great but in her eyes were are everything to her and she wanted to tell the world about us. She did the same with all the grand kids. She still continues to show us off. We have such a great mom and we have all been so very lucky to always have her around and willing to help us. Just as Breanne said we each have a piece of her within us. The Lord truly has blessed us with one of his choicest spirits to be our mom. 

Be Strong- Seven Simpson Hands

As a family we have taken on the scripture "Be Strong and of a good courage be not afraid. Neither be though dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee, withersoever thou goest."  Joshua 1:9 

Through out this ordeal we are continually talking about being strong.  We all have these blue bracelets (Mom's favorite color is blue) that say BE  STRONG.  Before her port procedure yesterday she received this picture to remind her to Be Strong. She will receive this same picture every procedure from here on out.  This is Alisa's family with Seven Simpson hands showing unity, love and strength.

 

This picture means so much to me. When we were younger Mom would always remind us of her growing up.  She was an only child.  She used to tell us how lonely it was and how she wanted us to be friends, and to always be there for each other.  Mom gave birth to seven children in ten years, when you couple that with the fact that we are all pretty strong willed you have the perfect storm for fights and potential distance between us.  We fought growing up, but we always had Mom there reminding us that one day we would need each other.  She worked very hard to make us be friends.  Today her hard work has paid off.  We are a United Force.  We are the best of friends.  We still have moments when we don't get along, but we  also love one another fiercely.  This picture shows to me that the torch is being passed these seven hands are united, united in loving one another and loving Grandma. 

We are strong because a  five foot spunky woman dared to raise seven highly intense children and to remind us daily to love one another.  She taught us to Be Strong and now we stand united in our love and prayers for her.

Chemo Port

Today was another big day.  Mom had her Chemo Port put in today.  Amelia was there for the big day and procedure.  Mom wanted to keep her bracelet from Ethan on during her procedure.  (Ethan gave her a rainbow loom bracelet with three colors: Silver to remind her to be strong as steal, White to remind her God loves her, and Blue to remember to be brave.)  Ethan also has one that he wears daily.  They let her keep the bracelet during the procedure.  She was in a bit of pain, but after the pain meds things went better.  She is home resting tonight and doing well.  Tomorrow is a Chemo kick off party and a new hair cut.  Then on to the first round of Chemotherapy.  More updates to come.

Mom smiling and ready

A beautiful picture from Days past.

Mom getting preped

Mom with her new Port.

Grandma We Love You

These pictures speak for themselves.  These little people are amazing.  They love their Grandma and remind us that together We Are STRONG!

Jacob showing off his BE STRONG bracelet. 
We are all wearing them to show support and unity.

Elle and Grandma showing off their fingernails.

William and Elisabeth (As Grace said once..."How can anyone be
sad when these two are around.")

We love you Grandma!

The News; The Journey; First Stop Denver

This week has felt like a year.  So much has happened.  Mom had several tests this week, from a CT scan to an Endoscopy and then minor surgery.  She has a diagnosis now.  Stage IV Stomach and Esophageal Cancer.  The cancer in her stomach is pushing against her esophagus and restricting the flow into her stomach.  A normal opening is 1-2 cm, and hers is at 6 mm.  This explains why it has been so difficult for her to eat for months.  So on Thursday she went in to have a stint placed in her esophagus.  This should make it easier for food and water to get through.

Her Dr. explained the cancer as a weed.  The source is in her stomach and all the other cancer that has spread and the other tumors are just weeds from the source.  All I could think about is a weed we had while we were in Utah, the Morning Glory.  It had one source but would spread and spread prolifically.  This image makes me ache for my sweet Mom and the fight her body has been going through for months.

Mom just after the procedure to put her stint in, sleeping peacefully.

The good news is her journey towards fighting this cancerous beast begins this week.  Dr. Gilcrease talked about this as a trip.  A journey say to Paris.  I wish she could just take the Concord to Paris, one straight shot and then Cancer will be eradicated from Mom's body and our lives forever.  However this journey doesn't work that way.  We have to look at it in segments.  This journey has many destinations a long the way.  Her first destination is getting nutrition and helping improve her quality of life which means fighting with Chemotherapy. My Dad broke it down for us visually when he said, "We have to get to Denver first."  So this first leg of her journey has begun and we are going to make it to Denver. 

Tests on a Tuesday

Today was a big test day.  Amelia sent these pictures from the day.  The day started with an endoscopy and the plan had been to have a colonoscopy if needed.  The endoscopy found that the cancer has originated in her stomach.   It is encroaching on her esophagus, only about a centimeter is open, so she is getting just a drizzle of everything that goes in to her mouth which is what is causing her inability to eat.  Thursday they will put a stint in her esophagus to open it up.  We are hoping this will allow her to eat and maybe even enjoy food again.  So tomorrow we will find out what stage of Stomach Cancer she is in, and when treatment will begin.  She is tired tonight, worn out emotionally and physically.  Tomorrow will bring more information and more direction.  We know she is strong and that God is mindful of her regardless of how long this journey seems.

God of Angel Armies

Mom, here is some Morning Inspiration for the day ahead.

CT Scan Monday

Today was the dreaded CT scan.  The last two of these have been so difficult for Mom since she has to lay down on the table.  Today going to Huntsman for the CT scan was a blessing.

Breanne's texts:
Hunstman Center is nice and very impressive. Mom's weight is 106.  Waiting for nurse. Mom is in good spirits.

Mom is back getting her scan.  They gave her some morphine and a relaxant.  It should only take half an hour.

She is out and it was much better than she expected.

Tonight Bill called with more updates from the CT scan:

Bill called tonight with results from today's tests and Mom asked that I send an email out.

The cancer has spread to her lymph nodes it has reached above the diaphragm and is more advanced than they thought. The good news is it has not reached the lungs yet. The original mass is about 5-6 inches and is in the back of her abdomen pressing against her stomach which is most likely causing her pain and issues with eating.

They are still doing the tests tomorrow.

Amelia is at the house right now. Since Mom has to consume a lot of liquid for the colonoscopy tomorrow they are having White Collar drinking games. Every time they see Matt Bomber Mom has to take a shot of her radioactive liquid.

She is in good spirits as good as can be expected.

 

 

Things we want to remember:

Logan's prayer last night:  Please bless Grandma Ninja Warrior to fight her Evil Cancer.  Through all her challenges help her remember to Be Strong and that she has more strength than she thinks.

 

Elle went to Grandma last night.  Put her fists in the air and said, "Be Strong Grandma!"

Walking in Faith: for the Week ahead

This week is a big week.  It is also a bit scary.  Monday Mom will be going in for another CT scan.  This one will hopefully be easier with some better pain management that has been prescribed.  Tuesday will bring an endoscopy and colonoscopy.  Wednesday she will meet with Dr. Gilcrease to find out the actual diagnosis and treatment options.  We will update the blog as we know more.

 As she gets ready for this week, I keep thinking about how strong she is and how much she has already come through.  This whole thing started in August.  She wasn't feeling well, dizzy and light headed.  The  Dr.  thought it was stress and burnout.  This made since to all of us.  I mean just the fact that she gave birth to 7 children in 10 years and raised those same seven very strong willed, kind of intense kids, would make anyone want to take a five to six year Caribbean vacation.  But that was not all, she cared for her mother for years in her home and nursed her lovingly through the last few weeks of her life.  She has cared for Dad through his diabetes, and all the issues to his health, carried out multiple callings and responsibilities in our church.  She took gifts to neighbors, treats to her primary girls, babysat grand kids, worked at the Library, cared for the yard work and many other numerous things on any given day.  The burnout seemed like a quick fix.  Medicines to help were ineffective and seemed to make things worse.  Several doctors had suggestions but little actual help.  Her health over the past few months has declined.  She has lost weight, because she has been unable to eat or sleep comfortably.  She has been in pain and with no answers coming she kept getting worse and not knowing was even more tortuous.

Then a friend and doctor was inspired to come and visit.  He came and paid attention, showed true concern and then he took action.  Suddenly within a matter of days she was getting tests done.  On January 9, 2014 the news came in.  A mass had been found, in her abdomen by her stomach.  It was most likely cancer, they thought Lymphoma.  We felt nervous, but glad too, to finally understand what was happening, why she had been so sick.

Another CT scan with biopsy was ordered.  When we arrived at the clinic for the procedure she was so worried.  The previous CT scan had been difficult and painful for her.  Arriving we found out there was no pain management prescribed.  While she went to the lab, Dad and I ran upstairs to talk to the Doctor.   It was her day off.  The on-call physician could not prescribe a narcotic.  Dad and I were trying to figure out what to do.  They mentioned rescheduling, that didn't seem like an option.  It had taken so much to get her there already. 

We went back.  Dad encouraged her to stay strong, that she could do this.  I stood in the  hall talking to Samuel on the phone.  I heard someone say, "Hi, Dr. Whitten"  it was Mom's doctor.  I ran after her.  I think she thought I was crazy.  I was a little.  This was my Mom.  I explained the situation.  Dad came out and even though it was her day off, even though she was on her way out, she took ten extra minutes ran up to her office and got Mom a prescription. 

This may seem like a little thing.  But to all of us this day it was a tender mercy.  It was clearly God showing forth His hand and His love.  Mom, was the one who had seen her.  She was turned in just the right direction, was looking up at that exact moment.  Dr. Whitten was two floors down from her office, on her day off, just happened to be walking down that hallway, at the same time I was standing in it, at the exact moment when we needed something.  Tender mercies are everywhere.  God is mindful of our sweet mother. 

Since that day, the prognosis has not been easy to hear.  A mass around her aorta, along with the one in her abdomen, Adenocarcinoma has metastasized through her body.  This week we find out the details.  We learn what can be done.  She is walking into the darkness, putting one foot in front of the other with faith.  We don't know where this journey is leading, but we see the Hand of the Lord.  The tender mercies of comfort and care.  So we walk in faith.  We proceed with our hand placed in a loving Father's.   We trust that comfort and healing will come through a loving Savior who is the Great Physician.  We walk in faith.  The journey is starting.  She is scared.  We are scared, but God is mindful and we walk in Faith. 

I HATE CANCER!

I had planned on a different post today, so many thoughts have been bombarding me lately. I want to say things that will help all of us get through.  I want to provide strength. But the truth is, I have talked to friends and told them about Mom and not even shed a tear.  Not because I am not sad or torn up about it, but more because it feels almost too large to process with someone who doesn't fully understand the impact, or who she really is.  Overall I have been in a state of calm over the past week.  I have shed tears, plenty of them, but I don't think I have been ready to deal with the full impact of grief that has been lingering on the surface of my very mortal sphere.

I call Mom almost everyday at the same time.  It is my morning check in.  I drop the kids off at school and then I call Mom.  I tell myself it is for her, but it is really for me.  I need to make sure she is okay.  I need to hear her voice.  I need to have this very temporal connection with her everyday, because I need her in my life.  Not being there with her in these moments, has been so painful. Even in her weekend state, just to hear her voice makes me feel stronger. 

Today on our morning call, I caught her in the middle of a session of throwing up.  Now if I was in the middle of a barf session I would not pick up a phone call, but she picked up , I think in part so I wouldn't worry.  Her voice was ragged and she told me what was happening and that we could talk later.  I have seen her throw up, from this wretched disease raging war inside her, and I hate seeing her in pain, but somehow today hearing her weakened voice, pricked the edge of the bubble I have been holding everything together with and I fell apart.  Anger not at God, but at this horrible disease, this vial cancer growing inside of her.  I have sat in my car for over half an hour, crying so hard that I felt my insides my come out.  "THIS IS NOT FAIR!" was my repeated cry to Father in Heaven.  I know all the quotes about having faith, and that if it was fair it wouldn't be a trial and I believe them, but the reality of this situation is that I am mad too.  Mad that my Mom, who is so good is having to face this.  I am mad, that after everything she has already fought through in her life, this is stripping her of dignity and the ability to do what she wants. 

I hate seeing her in pain.  I hate hearing her cry because of everything this has done to her small body.  I hate everything about this.  I hate that when she is having a hard day, I can't be the one to be there with her, to comfort her, as she has done so many times throughout my life. 

I know there are stages of grief.  Today I am in the anger stage.  If her cancer was something I could physically do damage to and defeat, I would go to battle.  I would fight till I was completely worn out, to eradicate this horrible thing from hers and our lives.  I know our motto is Be Strong and to trust God.  I do trust God, but today I am  filled with anger for this situation.  I love Mom so much.  She has been our center spoke for so long, making everything turn in its proper order. 

I have this picture of her.  I have had it for years.  It is my favorite photo, in fact Logan said "That is a really old picture of you Mom."  To which I could only feel complemented.  To be compared to my mother in any way is an incredible honor.  Even in the face of this horrible battle she remains the best woman I know.  Good to her very core, strong and committed.  She is my strength today, even in her weakened state.  But today I want to scream to the world "I HATE CANCER!" and that none of us are going down without a fight.  We love her too much.  She is too needed here.  Tomorrow I will try and be strong and at peace.  Today I want to punch cancer in the face and go to war and let it forcibly know that it does not get to take her yet.  We need her too much in our lives.   I wish this was something I could actually control, but I know in reality that it is like me trying to make the sun rise or not rise, it is completly out of my control.

 

Maybe that is part of the difficulty, that this is all out of our control. I know God is in control.  I know He loves us.  I know Mom would tell me to have faith, to be strong.   Today however I want to be angry.  I HATE CANCER! 

News

Janurary 9, 2014 will be a day that I remember for a long time. I was at home and Amelia called me. I was about to go with Brynn to clean the Salt Lake Temple. She said they got the results back from the CT scan. They found a mass in Mom's abdomen that was 6 cm x 14cm.  The doctor felt that due to location and size that it could be Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. A type of cancer that is very treatable and can be cured.
Brynn and I canceled our trip to go clean and went up the Centerville. Breanne was there and talk to Bill Dunson, an Internalist  up at the U Medical Center. He talked to Mom about the next steps and that it is something she can fight. I was up there Friday, and Saturday as well to give moral support. Emily flew in and was there to help Mom as she would be going in for a biopsy for the tumor on Monday January 13.
I felt calm, but still a bit hard to handle that your mom has cancer. Brynn was a great help and support. One of my best friends is a Anesthesiologist, but studied Oncology up at the Huntsman for four years while doing his undergrad at BYU-Idaho. Konrad was great to talk to and to gain information from. He was very patient and realized that it is a long hard experience. He has continued to text or call and ask home she is doing and how I am doing.
I felt calm and that my mom and the family could get through this.  I was at work on January 17 when I received a phone call from my sister Amelia. She had just got off the phone with my mom who had just talked with Dr. Witten. Her pathology report had just come back from the tumor they had discovered on January 7, 2014. The cancer is not curable, it is treatable though.
We were having a birthday surprise party for my brother Nathan at our house. Breanne asked if we were still having it. I said yes, we need to keep on with our lives. I felt that is what Mom would want us to do. The party was great. Nathan was thoroughly surprised. After everyone left I lost it. I don't think Brynn has seen me that emotional. My heart ached for my Mom. I went up Saturday and mom was able to sleep. I talked with my Dad and I could tell he was having a hard time, but had a positive outlook. He doesn't want to lose his best friend, his partner, but he understands the Master's plan.
I watched some Scarecrow and Mrs. King with mom and did some errands for her. It felt like when I was little, at home with Mom during the day.
The last week I have been thinking of all the times I spent with Mom, and realized that I still have a lot more time I will get to spend with her. It is still scary to think about, but living in the moment and having the faith that all will work out has helped.
I have seen a lot of strong people in my days. I have never seen someone so small have so much courage and determination to fight! My mom is an inspiration to me. She always has been, but this has been a reminder of her faith and hope. She is unwavering in her belief that Heavenly Father is in charge, and He is a God of miracles.

A River of Peace

There will always be moments that catch us completely off guard.  Moments where suddenly we are swept away into a tumultuous torrent, carrying us into a great unknown.  We seem to spin in so many directions, so many emotions vying for attention.  For me that was two weeks ago.  Sitting on my bed with Logan, watching a show.  The world felt calm, and unaltered.  The phone call relaying the message of Mom's long awaited diagnosis, sent me spinning, my heart felt as if it had been shattered into a million pieces.  All I could think was, "I can't loose my Mom."  The tears came so fiercely I could hardly breathe and in an instant, I sat helpless as my little boy, hugged me and patted my back telling me not to cry.   After a few minutes I started calling, David, talking to loved ones, figuring out how to make this come into some sort of sense.  Logan had left the room, when he came in with tears in his eyes he said, "Mommy it will be okay.  I went and prayed.  Jesus will make it okay.  He loves us and Grandma."

Such a simple moment, a simple faith.  Peace was pushing against my heart trying to cover me with hope.  Then it was a rushed trip to Utah, watching Mom deal with the pain, wishing I could take this on myself.  My heart was hurting.  I drove to Breanne's one snowy night, with no radio in the car the silence pierced me and tears came unhindered.  Driving down the streets of my youth, so many memories flooding to mind.  So many things of no eternal importance and so many things that mattered.  Driving past my children's pediatricians office and remembering how Mom went with me to check it out in all my pregnant glory, how she went to my first Dr's appointment with Ethan to help me carry the car seat.  Driving past the mortuary where Grandma had been and the moments of care and love our Mom offered so freely through Grandma's life.  The dam of emotion broke and I felt my heart may burst with pain.

Then on Sunday as we sat in the family room, Samuel and Thomas gave Mom a Priesthood blessing.  I sat praying that the words would be of healing, promises of hope of recovery.  The three things that stood out were tender mercies. 

She would have help and strength from both sides of the veil (I felt Grandma's presence fill the room.)
Her position is secure on the other side.

As the Savior was in the Garden of Gethsemane He had to submit to the will of the Father, we too must follow that pattern and learn to submit.


Suddenly there was a River of Peace that flooded my heart.  Father is in control and we can trust in his loving care.  I am not good at submitting, I want to take a plan to the Lord and have faith He can make that happen.  For the first time I realized all I can do is to trust.  Trust Father, trust in His loving care of this woman who means so much to me, to all of us.

As the news has gotten worse.  As the prognosis seems bleak, I have had two congruent emotions a River of Peace flowing through me, of the promise of God's love and my temporal thoughts of heart break.  I give in to the heart break from time to time, allowing my heart to hurt and yet the peace remains a balm of comfort.

Two of my favorite songs are right by one another in the Hymn book. 
Be Still my Soul and How Gentle God's Commands.  The songs have been running through my mind constantly.

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side; With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide;  In every change he faithful will remain. Be still my soul; Thy best, thy heavenly  Friend Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.  How gentle God's commands!  How kind his precepts are! Come cast your burdens on the Lord and trust his constant care.

And finally my favorite scripture. BE strong and of a good courage be not afraid.  Neither be though dismayed. For the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever though goest."  Joshua 1:9

This peace is from Heaven.  Our strength can be found in the Loving arms of our Father in Heaven and as Logan said, "Jesus will make it okay, and he love Grandma so very much."