A River of Peace

There will always be moments that catch us completely off guard.  Moments where suddenly we are swept away into a tumultuous torrent, carrying us into a great unknown.  We seem to spin in so many directions, so many emotions vying for attention.  For me that was two weeks ago.  Sitting on my bed with Logan, watching a show.  The world felt calm, and unaltered.  The phone call relaying the message of Mom's long awaited diagnosis, sent me spinning, my heart felt as if it had been shattered into a million pieces.  All I could think was, "I can't loose my Mom."  The tears came so fiercely I could hardly breathe and in an instant, I sat helpless as my little boy, hugged me and patted my back telling me not to cry.   After a few minutes I started calling, David, talking to loved ones, figuring out how to make this come into some sort of sense.  Logan had left the room, when he came in with tears in his eyes he said, "Mommy it will be okay.  I went and prayed.  Jesus will make it okay.  He loves us and Grandma."

Such a simple moment, a simple faith.  Peace was pushing against my heart trying to cover me with hope.  Then it was a rushed trip to Utah, watching Mom deal with the pain, wishing I could take this on myself.  My heart was hurting.  I drove to Breanne's one snowy night, with no radio in the car the silence pierced me and tears came unhindered.  Driving down the streets of my youth, so many memories flooding to mind.  So many things of no eternal importance and so many things that mattered.  Driving past my children's pediatricians office and remembering how Mom went with me to check it out in all my pregnant glory, how she went to my first Dr's appointment with Ethan to help me carry the car seat.  Driving past the mortuary where Grandma had been and the moments of care and love our Mom offered so freely through Grandma's life.  The dam of emotion broke and I felt my heart may burst with pain.

Then on Sunday as we sat in the family room, Samuel and Thomas gave Mom a Priesthood blessing.  I sat praying that the words would be of healing, promises of hope of recovery.  The three things that stood out were tender mercies. 

She would have help and strength from both sides of the veil (I felt Grandma's presence fill the room.)
Her position is secure on the other side.

As the Savior was in the Garden of Gethsemane He had to submit to the will of the Father, we too must follow that pattern and learn to submit.


Suddenly there was a River of Peace that flooded my heart.  Father is in control and we can trust in his loving care.  I am not good at submitting, I want to take a plan to the Lord and have faith He can make that happen.  For the first time I realized all I can do is to trust.  Trust Father, trust in His loving care of this woman who means so much to me, to all of us.

As the news has gotten worse.  As the prognosis seems bleak, I have had two congruent emotions a River of Peace flowing through me, of the promise of God's love and my temporal thoughts of heart break.  I give in to the heart break from time to time, allowing my heart to hurt and yet the peace remains a balm of comfort.

Two of my favorite songs are right by one another in the Hymn book. 
Be Still my Soul and How Gentle God's Commands.  The songs have been running through my mind constantly.

Be still my soul: The Lord is on thy side; With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide;  In every change he faithful will remain. Be still my soul; Thy best, thy heavenly  Friend Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.  How gentle God's commands!  How kind his precepts are! Come cast your burdens on the Lord and trust his constant care.

And finally my favorite scripture. BE strong and of a good courage be not afraid.  Neither be though dismayed. For the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever though goest."  Joshua 1:9

This peace is from Heaven.  Our strength can be found in the Loving arms of our Father in Heaven and as Logan said, "Jesus will make it okay, and he love Grandma so very much."