Charlotta Elaine Cook Grover March 13, 1951-February 27, 2014

Our Mom passed away yesterday afternoon at 3:30 pm.  She was at peace and surrounded by loved ones.  As much as our hearts are heavy, we feel buoyed up by her strength and love.  As in life she is sweetly navigating us through this experience, except now from the other side of the veil.  She was so at peace with her decision to forgo treatment and as with everything in her life, once she was sure of God's direction, she completely followed the course.  We are in the process of planning as a family and will update the blog with information regarding her funeral.

Family Time

This week Mom has had lots of visitors and family surrounding her.  She is so dearly loved and we want to spend as much time with her as possible. 

Grandpa, Elle and Jacob

This is "Aunt Debbie" with Mom.  They are really cousins,
but we love Debbie dearly and call her our Aunt.  It was
a blessing for her to be able to come and visit from
Arizona.

This is the photo wall that Brynn and Breanne put together so
Mom can look at her family whenever she wants.

Breanne giving Mom a neck rub.

Brynn with Charlotte



I love my Mom's beautiful face. 

My kids skyped with Grandma this morning and she is getting more and more tired.  I realized this might be the last
time they are able to hear her respond.  It is a difficult place to be, so far away wishing we could spend every moment with my Mom, and yet the last few days I have been wrapped in a bubble of spiritual peace.  I know the Lord is granting me peace as we watch, wait and pray for her comfort. We love you Mom!

Little Acts of Kindess and their Mighty Force of Strength

On this rocky path we are walking there  have been so many beautiful bursts of sunshine and flowers placed in our lives from others acts of kindness and service.  My Mom's room is full of flowers.  Lovely flowers and cards came from her co-workers yesterday and in typical Mom form she seemed surprised that she had made an impact.  She is truly humble and I don't think she realizes the impact for good she has on those around her.  In her mind it is simply doing what she should or what is right.

My brother's friends have come to visit and tell "Mom Grover" they love her.  My sister received a room full of balloons from her friends.  So many people have sent flowers and cards.  Her ward members sent a basket of cards that touched her heart more than words can express.  Meals have been brought.  Messages of prayers and love have been sent to each of us and to her.  We are very private people as a whole and tend to be a bit independent.  I finally decided to post what is going in our lives  on Face Book to let those who love her know what was happening.  I have been overwhelmed with the response of love and support. 

My college roommate Erin Timothy Botz sent me a private message, that touched my mother greatly.  She said, she had to do something after reading my message and so went to donate blood in my Mom's honor.  My Mom had a blood transfusion last week and so that simple act brought tears to mine and Mom's eyes.  There is so much goodness in the world.  So many people who listen to that small voice inside and then act on what they know to be a good deed.

I stayed in Utah last week while my family drove home.  I placed one phone call and sent out three texts to coordinate the next school day so David could go to work.  Within minutes I had carpool covered, places for my children to stay, a ride home from the airport and a hot meal for my family that night.  The power of good deed and good people is overwhelming

There have been so many things.  Employers who have been so generous and kind to my siblings.  Visits, bags of treats delivered and wrapped in love, letters, hugs and people willing to cry with us.

I am learning that there are so many people who truly know how to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  For all of your efforts know that your simple acts of kindness have brought forth a mighty force of love and strength.

Crossing the Gulf of Grief

I awoke this morning to find myself marooned in a gulf of grief.  A week ago I woke up and went to be with my Mom.  What a great honor I had last week, to be in the presence of my mother, to be able to serve her. To comfort her when she was in pain and to spend time with her through her greatest struggle.  Every minute was a blessing and I was fully engaged even though my sleep was so diminished.  The spiritual strength I felt propelled me through my days and I felt energized.

The thing about this journey we are all on, is that the emotions are so big and the heartbreak so deep it is much like being in the ocean.  The waves can pull you to areas you do not wish to venture and right now I don't have the strength to swim to a patch of faith.  Today I am sad, beyond sad, I am heart broken.  Grief continues to wash over me and today I believe I need to allow that to be where I am. 

I am learning to allow myself tears, pain, heartbreak to let myself feel it in its entirety and then to put it in its proper place.  My beautiful Mom is dying and it is going to change all of our lives.  My heart will never be the same again.  I know from past loss in my life that the raw edges of my grief will heal with time, but the ache of loosing this center part of my life will never leave me.  I think a part of my soul will always grieve this loss.

There is a double edged sword from having someone so influential for good in your life.  You have the benefit of having this greatness mold you, form you into who you are.  They are a part of so many every day moments that you often don't even realize the impact until you are faced with the loss.  I have been so blessed to have my Mom infused into the details of my everyday life for so many years.  I have spent so much time with her, just doing simple everyday things.  We have a real mother and daughter relationship.  I know I have frustrated her and annoyed her.  I know we have not always agreed on everything, I know this is normal.  But she has always been in the details.  I have not gone more than a few days of my life without talking to her. 

So the other side of that sword then falls.  I went to the Library with Logan yesterday.  My Mom worked at the Library, it was her dream job, she loved it.  She loved having the kids come to the Library to show them off, and she made her mark in that place.  The thing is this was not her library, I was walking into my library in Colorado.  Still since I have moved here going to the library has always made me think of her.  I can imagine her being there and I always smile and usually call her when I get out to tell her I miss her.  Yesterday, it was all I could do to not fall into a crumpled mess on the floor.  I was biting back tears the entire time.   I talked to her yesterday on Skype and I could have just watched her face forever, listened to her voice.  In the hospital I held her hand as much as I could.  Tried to memorize what it looked like and felt like.  Because the reality is, all though I know fully that she will be at peace, that I will see her again someday and that she will be with me, I won't be able to touch her.  I won't be able to call her and hear her reply when I have a triumph or a bad day. 

I have great faith in her destination.  I know God is mindful of her and of each of us.  I know He loves us deeply.  I know all of this is part of the plan.  But no matter how old you are you need your mother and my heartbreaks to be loosing mine. 

She has been so worried about all of us, about her grandchildren and their deep emotional reactions.  I keep telling her, that it is really a tribute to her life and influence.  Because of her greatness we are feeling great loss.  Today I am in a Gulf of Grief, I will find the strength to swim to the patch of Faith, because that is what she would do.  That is what she always does.  But for this moment I am going to cry.

Huntsman and the Next Steps of the Journey

To say that the last week has felt like a year would be an understatement.  This time last week Mom went into the doctor.  She hadn't been able to eat or keep food down.  She was weak.  They decided they would do a permanent feeding tube.  My family was traveling to Utah from Colorado and I was receiving updates along the journey.  After receiving her feeding tube she needed a blood transfusion.  Her red blood cell count was low.  Her white blood cell count was also low, like zero low.  We were concerned.  David had felt in December that we should make a trip out over Presidents Day.  I will forever be so grateful he listened to the spirit and we were able to be with my Mom. 

 

I arrived at the hospital on Saturday morning, she was tired and sore from the incision point for her feeding tube.  One tube was put into her intestines and the other was a drain tube into a bag to help relieve pressure in her stomach and bile.

 

The last seven months have taken a toll on her tiny body.  Cancer is an evil and vicious beast and she has been fighting so diligently.  She had a fever.  The white blood cell count was low.  It seemed like nothing was going well.  Her legs are swollen from retaining fluids and her mobility has been so greatly limited because of pain. 

 

We stayed at Huntsman until Tuesday afternoon.  It is a lovely facility with amazing and caring doctors, nurses and aids. 

 

On Sunday, her counts weren't looking good, she started the tube feed and her body wasn't tolerating it very well.  They also believe she has a rare enzyme that was not allowing her body to tolerate the FauxFox Chemo treatment. This treatment was her best option for dealing with her Esophageal Cancer.  She was discouraged and trying to fight what seemed like an uphill battle.

 

That night all night long she grappled with the decisions she would have to make.  She talked to the Lord and it was a very holy and spiritual place that night as she worked through what to do.

In the early morning hours she had me call the family together.  She informed my Dad first and then each of us that she felt it was time to forgo further treatment and to be placed on Hospice Care.  She was at peace and she had a spirit of forceful grace over this decision. 

 

For our family it was a day filled with heart break and peace.  The dichotomy of these feelings is so interesting.  To know that this was the right course and yet to hate the decision in the same moment.

 

She as always is strong in her faith.  Once she received confirmation from the Lord she was fiercely determined in the direction to proceed. 

She told us, "I know we had hoped for a Miracle, but this was not what the Lord wanted."  My father answered with, "The Miracle is you.  We have been able to have you in our lives, she has influenced everyone of us so deeply."  The miracle truly is her. 

 

She arrived home on Wednesday.  She was nervous.  She told me.  "I am at peace and confident in my destination, just nervous for the journey ahead."  We know all things will come together for good.  There have been so many tender mercies a long this journey.  We are continuing to see the Hand of the Lord.  They have been able to arrange for the Hospice Care nurse to be Kathy who helped with my Grandmother when she was on hospice.  Breanne has been able to take extended work off to assist her in her care.

 

As always my beautiful mother is finding reasons to smile, this one as she sits in the sunshine.  She gave me some beautiful advice sitting in the hospital.  She told me she wants me to enjoy every bite of food, every moment.  To not get so hung up on things that I don't enjoy living.

The Journey has begun, it is in a different direction than we have hoped.  Our hearts are breaking.  Our children are sad.  When Jacob found out he ran downstairs and hid under his blankets.  I could totally understand, I wish I could hide away, make this not be happening.  Ethan stood in the hallway of the hospital crying in my Dad's arms.  He said, "It isn't fair she is the most selfless person, and she is always so kind to me and to everyone." 

My niece Cora captured our thoughts so well.  Alisa relayed this to all of us.  "When I tucked Cora into bed she had gotten into her bank and had all her money out.  She said she wanted to give it to
Grandma because Grandma has given her so much and she wanted to give her something but didn't know what to give."

I keep thinking of the words in the song,  "Be Still My Soul." 

 Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
 
 Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
 
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
 
To all of our dear friends, to the angels of mercy who are continually blessing our lives, to all those who have been praying and wishing for good.  Thank you!  We feel your love, your strength and that power of those prayers.  God is watching over us, and over our beautiful and sweet mother.  Our prayers may have changed to one of peace not healing, but our faith and her faith is ever the same.  God is good!
 

Monday Mom Update

It seems like these days end up feeling almost long a month.  Mom has struggled following Chemo last week.  She had difficulty keeping anything down and was throwing up quite a bit.  Her anti-nausea medicines have been helpful and she has been trying to eat. She also received some IV fluids last Friday. The family in Utah are amazing and have been with her night and day helping her through this time.  She has developed some bed sores from sitting too much and her leg has been swollen as well.  They have done an ultra sound to make sure she doesn't have clots and think it might just be from not elevating her legs. 

Her back has hurt for months, most likely from one of the tumors, and it has been more comfortable for her to sleep in her chair.  But this has caused other issues as well.  Alisa said the most beautiful and strong thing to Mom last week she said, "You are going to have to fight as much as you can and then we will pull or push you the rest of the way."  She is fighting, but so are each of us to help get her the rest of the way.

Progressively though over the weekend she has shown some improvement.  I received a text on Saturday that she had eaten 5 bites of food.  We had a little party here in Denver.  Small steps are cause for celebration.  Today she has done even better.  I received a text that she had eaten 10 bites of ground spaghetti and it had tasted good (because of the stint she had to have it ground up).  This was another tender mercy.  She rode in the car for two drives today and even was able to lay down on the couch for a few minutes tonight. 

She continues to feel discouraged, I mean who can blame her.  So many things seem to keep going wrong, but she told me today that yesterday she was feeling discouraged and she prayed that she would be able to make it through this.  She had a dream that she was able to walk upstairs, and do dishes and other things in the kitchen. She felt like that was Father in Heaven letting her know things will improve. 

Throughout the last few weeks I have really reflected about what matters most.  So many of the things I worry about on a daily basis, matter so little when you are face to face with mortality.  When I heard Mom talk about her dream and the tender mercy it was for her, I thought how much I take for granted, like that a cookie tastes good to me.  That I can get up on my own and walk into my kitchen to work.  That my body is my own and not inhabited by Cancer.  I am learning so much from watching my Mom navigate this treacherous storm, I wish she did not have to cross through these tumultuous waters and yet I am in constant awe of her ability to do it gracefully. 

Kindess

Breanne sent this to me today.  It came from one of ther friends and it is a beautiful reminder.

Our Family

This is a personal thanks I am sending out on a very cold Colorado night.  I am here, wishing I could be in Utah.  Wishing I could help and yet my heart is so full as I think about the amazing family I am so blessed to be a part of.   We had a conference call last night with all of my sisters and brothers.  Every detail is discussed on these calls.  Everyone is taking a day or a night to be with Mom and Dad.  Everyone is taking off work or rearranging schedules.  I am so thankful for all the employers who are being so supportive and genuinely kind in allowing us to care for our mother.  But it isn't just our siblings it is the support from our spouses that is truly amazing as well.  Thomas & Erin have been visiting on Sundays.  Brynn is with Mom right now, Dan went to work at 4:00 am so he could be home so Alisa could be with Mom this afternoon. This is just this week.   David has continued to make sure that if I need to leave he pulls things together.  Are family rallies, it is what we do.  But I am in constant awe of my brothers, sisters and our sister and brother in laws.  They rise to meet every challenge.  They are a force of good in the world and I am so thankful for all of you.  May you all be blessed tonight and thank you for all you are doing.

A Hard Day

Chemotherapy has been really rough on Mom yesterday and today.  She has had a difficult time eating and keeping anything down.  Part of this is the Chemo and part is probably the giant tumor in her stomach.  It seems at every turn this just keeps getting harder.  She commented, "Why can't any of this be easy?"  We had some discussions today about the possibility of a feeding tube, but Dad decided to talk with Bill Dunsen (Friend, Doctor, our Hero) he suggested being vigilant with the anti-nausea medicines and doubling up on two of them.  If it still continues to be difficult for her to get nutrition they will go the IV route first.  Mom is fighting, but she is tired and this is so difficult.

Dad helping Mom walk into the house after Chemo

Mom, trying to get comfortable after her 1st round of chemo.

 

1st Round of Chemotherapy

The Ward "Heart Attacked" Mom and Dad's house to send their love.

This was during the Pre-Chemo kick off party last night. 
I love my Mom!

Alisa made this Chemo quilt for Mom.  It has all of our names on it
and the kids hand prints embroidered on it.  So she remembers we
are with her.

The view from Chemo stations at the Huntsman Center.

Mom hooked up and ready to go. 
Today  her Cancer is going to get a good kick
from Chemo.

Mom Memories for a Chemo Morning

For Mom's Chemo Days we thought we would post some of our favorite memories with Mom so she can read them during the day.
Our first installment of memories are from Alisa and Amelia.

Alisa: One of my favorite memories of Mom was when she would read to us.  I loved the stories from the Friend Magazine.  She has such a great voice for reading out loud.  She would sit on the floor and we would sit by her and on the couch above her.  I loved listening to Mom read to me. (Picture seven little kids positioning to see the stories, she read to us all the time)

Amelia: I remember how mom would make our birthdays so special with it automatically becoming our special day and I just remember how special I felt on my birthday. I also remember special days. we would get the bear on our plate at meals and we would get to say the prayers at meals and go places with her. I loved my special day.

Yesterday as I was driving her home from getting her port I asked if she wanted to listen to oldies on the radio. I remember knowing all the oldies songs because that is what we listened to when we were in the car. I love listening to the oldies still to this day.

 I remember her teaching us how to play jacks. She was so good and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time of how to do as well as her. I don't think I've figured it out yet.

 I remember how excited she would get about BYU games and it was fun to see her so excited about it. She is a true BYU fan and even though I like BYU I feel she has passed her excitement on to me. I get excited when they do well and sad when they don't do well.

 So last year mom and I went to the mall shopping and she talked me into getting my favorite perfume. It's usually me that talks her into stuff but she seemed to do it to me that day and I've never regretted it.
I remember having so much fun dressing up in her clothes and feeling so pretty with them on. I went to the Temple a few times with her and I loved it. I remember flannel board stories. She had a flannel board story for everything. I loved it!!

I love how mom continually was teaching all of us the gospel in our every day lives. She didn't even let us say shut up or anything neg. growing up.

I had the chance to travel to Arizona with mom. It was her first plane ride which was awesome for me even though I know she didn't like it very much. It was fun to travel with her and I wish we could have done it more. It was fun to spend a week with her in Arizona and see her face as she saw things for the first time.  

 She is such a great mother, friend and person that anyone that has met her loves her and feels her love for them. She has such a strong testimony that radiates from her.

 I have one more memory. Every time I went to see her at the Library she wanted us to meet everyone she works with. She is so proud of all of us. I know sometimes we don't think we are great but in her eyes were are everything to her and she wanted to tell the world about us. She did the same with all the grand kids. She still continues to show us off. We have such a great mom and we have all been so very lucky to always have her around and willing to help us. Just as Breanne said we each have a piece of her within us. The Lord truly has blessed us with one of his choicest spirits to be our mom. 

Be Strong- Seven Simpson Hands

As a family we have taken on the scripture "Be Strong and of a good courage be not afraid. Neither be though dismayed for the Lord thy God is with thee, withersoever thou goest."  Joshua 1:9 

Through out this ordeal we are continually talking about being strong.  We all have these blue bracelets (Mom's favorite color is blue) that say BE  STRONG.  Before her port procedure yesterday she received this picture to remind her to Be Strong. She will receive this same picture every procedure from here on out.  This is Alisa's family with Seven Simpson hands showing unity, love and strength.

 

This picture means so much to me. When we were younger Mom would always remind us of her growing up.  She was an only child.  She used to tell us how lonely it was and how she wanted us to be friends, and to always be there for each other.  Mom gave birth to seven children in ten years, when you couple that with the fact that we are all pretty strong willed you have the perfect storm for fights and potential distance between us.  We fought growing up, but we always had Mom there reminding us that one day we would need each other.  She worked very hard to make us be friends.  Today her hard work has paid off.  We are a United Force.  We are the best of friends.  We still have moments when we don't get along, but we  also love one another fiercely.  This picture shows to me that the torch is being passed these seven hands are united, united in loving one another and loving Grandma. 

We are strong because a  five foot spunky woman dared to raise seven highly intense children and to remind us daily to love one another.  She taught us to Be Strong and now we stand united in our love and prayers for her.

Chemo Port

Today was another big day.  Mom had her Chemo Port put in today.  Amelia was there for the big day and procedure.  Mom wanted to keep her bracelet from Ethan on during her procedure.  (Ethan gave her a rainbow loom bracelet with three colors: Silver to remind her to be strong as steal, White to remind her God loves her, and Blue to remember to be brave.)  Ethan also has one that he wears daily.  They let her keep the bracelet during the procedure.  She was in a bit of pain, but after the pain meds things went better.  She is home resting tonight and doing well.  Tomorrow is a Chemo kick off party and a new hair cut.  Then on to the first round of Chemotherapy.  More updates to come.

Mom smiling and ready

A beautiful picture from Days past.

Mom getting preped

Mom with her new Port.

Grandma We Love You

These pictures speak for themselves.  These little people are amazing.  They love their Grandma and remind us that together We Are STRONG!

Jacob showing off his BE STRONG bracelet. 
We are all wearing them to show support and unity.

Elle and Grandma showing off their fingernails.

William and Elisabeth (As Grace said once..."How can anyone be
sad when these two are around.")

We love you Grandma!

The News; The Journey; First Stop Denver

This week has felt like a year.  So much has happened.  Mom had several tests this week, from a CT scan to an Endoscopy and then minor surgery.  She has a diagnosis now.  Stage IV Stomach and Esophageal Cancer.  The cancer in her stomach is pushing against her esophagus and restricting the flow into her stomach.  A normal opening is 1-2 cm, and hers is at 6 mm.  This explains why it has been so difficult for her to eat for months.  So on Thursday she went in to have a stint placed in her esophagus.  This should make it easier for food and water to get through.

Her Dr. explained the cancer as a weed.  The source is in her stomach and all the other cancer that has spread and the other tumors are just weeds from the source.  All I could think about is a weed we had while we were in Utah, the Morning Glory.  It had one source but would spread and spread prolifically.  This image makes me ache for my sweet Mom and the fight her body has been going through for months.

Mom just after the procedure to put her stint in, sleeping peacefully.

The good news is her journey towards fighting this cancerous beast begins this week.  Dr. Gilcrease talked about this as a trip.  A journey say to Paris.  I wish she could just take the Concord to Paris, one straight shot and then Cancer will be eradicated from Mom's body and our lives forever.  However this journey doesn't work that way.  We have to look at it in segments.  This journey has many destinations a long the way.  Her first destination is getting nutrition and helping improve her quality of life which means fighting with Chemotherapy. My Dad broke it down for us visually when he said, "We have to get to Denver first."  So this first leg of her journey has begun and we are going to make it to Denver.