Huntsman and the Next Steps of the Journey

To say that the last week has felt like a year would be an understatement.  This time last week Mom went into the doctor.  She hadn't been able to eat or keep food down.  She was weak.  They decided they would do a permanent feeding tube.  My family was traveling to Utah from Colorado and I was receiving updates along the journey.  After receiving her feeding tube she needed a blood transfusion.  Her red blood cell count was low.  Her white blood cell count was also low, like zero low.  We were concerned.  David had felt in December that we should make a trip out over Presidents Day.  I will forever be so grateful he listened to the spirit and we were able to be with my Mom. 

 

I arrived at the hospital on Saturday morning, she was tired and sore from the incision point for her feeding tube.  One tube was put into her intestines and the other was a drain tube into a bag to help relieve pressure in her stomach and bile.

 

The last seven months have taken a toll on her tiny body.  Cancer is an evil and vicious beast and she has been fighting so diligently.  She had a fever.  The white blood cell count was low.  It seemed like nothing was going well.  Her legs are swollen from retaining fluids and her mobility has been so greatly limited because of pain. 

 

We stayed at Huntsman until Tuesday afternoon.  It is a lovely facility with amazing and caring doctors, nurses and aids. 

 

On Sunday, her counts weren't looking good, she started the tube feed and her body wasn't tolerating it very well.  They also believe she has a rare enzyme that was not allowing her body to tolerate the FauxFox Chemo treatment. This treatment was her best option for dealing with her Esophageal Cancer.  She was discouraged and trying to fight what seemed like an uphill battle.

 

That night all night long she grappled with the decisions she would have to make.  She talked to the Lord and it was a very holy and spiritual place that night as she worked through what to do.

In the early morning hours she had me call the family together.  She informed my Dad first and then each of us that she felt it was time to forgo further treatment and to be placed on Hospice Care.  She was at peace and she had a spirit of forceful grace over this decision. 

 

For our family it was a day filled with heart break and peace.  The dichotomy of these feelings is so interesting.  To know that this was the right course and yet to hate the decision in the same moment.

 

She as always is strong in her faith.  Once she received confirmation from the Lord she was fiercely determined in the direction to proceed. 

She told us, "I know we had hoped for a Miracle, but this was not what the Lord wanted."  My father answered with, "The Miracle is you.  We have been able to have you in our lives, she has influenced everyone of us so deeply."  The miracle truly is her. 

 

She arrived home on Wednesday.  She was nervous.  She told me.  "I am at peace and confident in my destination, just nervous for the journey ahead."  We know all things will come together for good.  There have been so many tender mercies a long this journey.  We are continuing to see the Hand of the Lord.  They have been able to arrange for the Hospice Care nurse to be Kathy who helped with my Grandmother when she was on hospice.  Breanne has been able to take extended work off to assist her in her care.

 

As always my beautiful mother is finding reasons to smile, this one as she sits in the sunshine.  She gave me some beautiful advice sitting in the hospital.  She told me she wants me to enjoy every bite of food, every moment.  To not get so hung up on things that I don't enjoy living.

The Journey has begun, it is in a different direction than we have hoped.  Our hearts are breaking.  Our children are sad.  When Jacob found out he ran downstairs and hid under his blankets.  I could totally understand, I wish I could hide away, make this not be happening.  Ethan stood in the hallway of the hospital crying in my Dad's arms.  He said, "It isn't fair she is the most selfless person, and she is always so kind to me and to everyone." 

My niece Cora captured our thoughts so well.  Alisa relayed this to all of us.  "When I tucked Cora into bed she had gotten into her bank and had all her money out.  She said she wanted to give it to
Grandma because Grandma has given her so much and she wanted to give her something but didn't know what to give."

I keep thinking of the words in the song,  "Be Still My Soul." 

 Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
 
 Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
 
Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Text: Katharina von Schlegel, b. 1697;
trans. by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
 
To all of our dear friends, to the angels of mercy who are continually blessing our lives, to all those who have been praying and wishing for good.  Thank you!  We feel your love, your strength and that power of those prayers.  God is watching over us, and over our beautiful and sweet mother.  Our prayers may have changed to one of peace not healing, but our faith and her faith is ever the same.  God is good!