Crossing the Gulf of Grief

I awoke this morning to find myself marooned in a gulf of grief.  A week ago I woke up and went to be with my Mom.  What a great honor I had last week, to be in the presence of my mother, to be able to serve her. To comfort her when she was in pain and to spend time with her through her greatest struggle.  Every minute was a blessing and I was fully engaged even though my sleep was so diminished.  The spiritual strength I felt propelled me through my days and I felt energized.

The thing about this journey we are all on, is that the emotions are so big and the heartbreak so deep it is much like being in the ocean.  The waves can pull you to areas you do not wish to venture and right now I don't have the strength to swim to a patch of faith.  Today I am sad, beyond sad, I am heart broken.  Grief continues to wash over me and today I believe I need to allow that to be where I am. 

I am learning to allow myself tears, pain, heartbreak to let myself feel it in its entirety and then to put it in its proper place.  My beautiful Mom is dying and it is going to change all of our lives.  My heart will never be the same again.  I know from past loss in my life that the raw edges of my grief will heal with time, but the ache of loosing this center part of my life will never leave me.  I think a part of my soul will always grieve this loss.

There is a double edged sword from having someone so influential for good in your life.  You have the benefit of having this greatness mold you, form you into who you are.  They are a part of so many every day moments that you often don't even realize the impact until you are faced with the loss.  I have been so blessed to have my Mom infused into the details of my everyday life for so many years.  I have spent so much time with her, just doing simple everyday things.  We have a real mother and daughter relationship.  I know I have frustrated her and annoyed her.  I know we have not always agreed on everything, I know this is normal.  But she has always been in the details.  I have not gone more than a few days of my life without talking to her. 

So the other side of that sword then falls.  I went to the Library with Logan yesterday.  My Mom worked at the Library, it was her dream job, she loved it.  She loved having the kids come to the Library to show them off, and she made her mark in that place.  The thing is this was not her library, I was walking into my library in Colorado.  Still since I have moved here going to the library has always made me think of her.  I can imagine her being there and I always smile and usually call her when I get out to tell her I miss her.  Yesterday, it was all I could do to not fall into a crumpled mess on the floor.  I was biting back tears the entire time.   I talked to her yesterday on Skype and I could have just watched her face forever, listened to her voice.  In the hospital I held her hand as much as I could.  Tried to memorize what it looked like and felt like.  Because the reality is, all though I know fully that she will be at peace, that I will see her again someday and that she will be with me, I won't be able to touch her.  I won't be able to call her and hear her reply when I have a triumph or a bad day. 

I have great faith in her destination.  I know God is mindful of her and of each of us.  I know He loves us deeply.  I know all of this is part of the plan.  But no matter how old you are you need your mother and my heartbreaks to be loosing mine. 

She has been so worried about all of us, about her grandchildren and their deep emotional reactions.  I keep telling her, that it is really a tribute to her life and influence.  Because of her greatness we are feeling great loss.  Today I am in a Gulf of Grief, I will find the strength to swim to the patch of Faith, because that is what she would do.  That is what she always does.  But for this moment I am going to cry.