I HATE CANCER!

I had planned on a different post today, so many thoughts have been bombarding me lately. I want to say things that will help all of us get through.  I want to provide strength. But the truth is, I have talked to friends and told them about Mom and not even shed a tear.  Not because I am not sad or torn up about it, but more because it feels almost too large to process with someone who doesn't fully understand the impact, or who she really is.  Overall I have been in a state of calm over the past week.  I have shed tears, plenty of them, but I don't think I have been ready to deal with the full impact of grief that has been lingering on the surface of my very mortal sphere.

I call Mom almost everyday at the same time.  It is my morning check in.  I drop the kids off at school and then I call Mom.  I tell myself it is for her, but it is really for me.  I need to make sure she is okay.  I need to hear her voice.  I need to have this very temporal connection with her everyday, because I need her in my life.  Not being there with her in these moments, has been so painful. Even in her weekend state, just to hear her voice makes me feel stronger. 

Today on our morning call, I caught her in the middle of a session of throwing up.  Now if I was in the middle of a barf session I would not pick up a phone call, but she picked up , I think in part so I wouldn't worry.  Her voice was ragged and she told me what was happening and that we could talk later.  I have seen her throw up, from this wretched disease raging war inside her, and I hate seeing her in pain, but somehow today hearing her weakened voice, pricked the edge of the bubble I have been holding everything together with and I fell apart.  Anger not at God, but at this horrible disease, this vial cancer growing inside of her.  I have sat in my car for over half an hour, crying so hard that I felt my insides my come out.  "THIS IS NOT FAIR!" was my repeated cry to Father in Heaven.  I know all the quotes about having faith, and that if it was fair it wouldn't be a trial and I believe them, but the reality of this situation is that I am mad too.  Mad that my Mom, who is so good is having to face this.  I am mad, that after everything she has already fought through in her life, this is stripping her of dignity and the ability to do what she wants. 

I hate seeing her in pain.  I hate hearing her cry because of everything this has done to her small body.  I hate everything about this.  I hate that when she is having a hard day, I can't be the one to be there with her, to comfort her, as she has done so many times throughout my life. 

I know there are stages of grief.  Today I am in the anger stage.  If her cancer was something I could physically do damage to and defeat, I would go to battle.  I would fight till I was completely worn out, to eradicate this horrible thing from hers and our lives.  I know our motto is Be Strong and to trust God.  I do trust God, but today I am  filled with anger for this situation.  I love Mom so much.  She has been our center spoke for so long, making everything turn in its proper order. 

I have this picture of her.  I have had it for years.  It is my favorite photo, in fact Logan said "That is a really old picture of you Mom."  To which I could only feel complemented.  To be compared to my mother in any way is an incredible honor.  Even in the face of this horrible battle she remains the best woman I know.  Good to her very core, strong and committed.  She is my strength today, even in her weakened state.  But today I want to scream to the world "I HATE CANCER!" and that none of us are going down without a fight.  We love her too much.  She is too needed here.  Tomorrow I will try and be strong and at peace.  Today I want to punch cancer in the face and go to war and let it forcibly know that it does not get to take her yet.  We need her too much in our lives.   I wish this was something I could actually control, but I know in reality that it is like me trying to make the sun rise or not rise, it is completly out of my control.

 

Maybe that is part of the difficulty, that this is all out of our control. I know God is in control.  I know He loves us.  I know Mom would tell me to have faith, to be strong.   Today however I want to be angry.  I HATE CANCER!